Stare-Way to Heaven

Ah, desire in the twenty first century. Recently, I was complaining about pretentious blogs, where wallowing in depression, and writing poetry amounted to so much arrogant preening. It's this same kind of vapid misery that grunge rockers like to sing about, and that woe-is-me attitude that drives people crazy (both in a good, but especially in a bad sense).

Now I'm going to do some backpedalling. Blog entries of the sort I describe are painful to read, but when they're written by someone who's hyper-articulate and analytical, it becomes a fascinating peek into why we do the things we do. I'd link to it for posterity, but alas, I think I'll protect myself.

Too bad I'm such a chickens**t when it comes to this, because I especially enjoy the writing. To sum, a graduating college senior recently broke up with his girlfriend of five years. He was the one who dumped her, when he realized that his blogs were indicating the kind of misery he was in.

Since he had basically been dating since he was in high school, he hadn't been out of a relationship during that time either, and, bless his heart, he didn't cheat on her, even though occasion did rise where it could have happened. With mere weeks left before he graduates, he's starting to scope out girls. Although he studies computers, there aren't enough women in the department to interest him, and so he seeks the attention in a social science class.

And he becomes keenly aware of the women in the class, and starts to stare at one of them, and in this magical haze, where interest is born, he becomes engrossed, possibly even enraptured by all the little things, her hair, the way she writes, the way she moves. He's sure she's noticed him looking at her. He wonders what it will take to meet her.

Should he talk to her? Should he IM her? How does he explain how he managed to find out her SN? Maybe he'll apologize profusely. IM is much more to his liking anyway. It's too nervewracking to talk to her in person, to walk up to her and say hello. Clear, witty, thoughtful dialog which abounds in a blog or even in IM somehow lead to stammering, and aloofness, and sudden freezing of the cranial lobes. Must...sound...charming...so...very...hard!

And he mulls, and thinks about it from this angle, and from that angle. Why can't he make the move? Why is it so important that the first meeting be face to face? Why is so beautiful? Why doesn't he care for women that he could meet at a bar? Why isn't casual sex good enough?

I find his musings interesting enough that I tell a friend, because I think it could be instructive, and yet his perception of the blog was quite different. He thought the guy was rather arrogant for thinking he knew how women "worked", and that he'd go blog about a woman who he'd yet to meet, and therefore, before he knew whether it was going to be successful or not.

To be fair, this fellow can be rather arrogant. He thinks of himself rather highly (at times), or at least, rarely fails to mention the failings of others, usually, others in an institutional sense (like the government) or perhaps the average stupid American. For some reason, I've become numbed to most kinds of arrogance. Most people who are arrogant aren't snarling arrogant without a shred of something positive in their lives, and for some reason, I usually don't notice the arrogant part, unless it's overwhelming.

I wonder if that's because I'm arrogant? If so, I don't pay that much attention to it. I know, at one point, I used to make fun of people more, but I think it irritated them, and so I've toned that down.

Anyway, the reason I find these kinds of blogs so compelling is because it reflects on the nature of self and others. I'm down with that. Many people, particularly educated ones, spend time thinking about why people are the way they are, try to explain what they find fascinating about others. I remember another guy's blog, who was similarly arrogant, and was often filled with apologias. He wanted others to see how good a person he really was, how sensitive, and soulful, never mind the parts where he was insecure, wanted to control the woman's life, and was intensely jealous, and yet, his eyes would wander.

OK, that sounds horrible, and part of that is my desire to spice up my own blog entry, but it's not that far from the truth. Still, I would find his blog compelling, not due to its insight, per se, but due to his need to look good online so that he might woo someone back that he lost. If anything, a blog lets you have some time to organize your thoughts, and present yourself the best way possible, assuming, that is, that you have some idea how to write.

Part of the reason I blog is to force myself to write more, and yet, I know I'd sound a lot better if I had time to edit what I say, and to realize not to blather on when a point could be made in half the space. I've never been able to easily confine my writings to like two or three paragraphs, even if i have nothing to say.

Anyway, I like reading about people's insecurities, their doubts, their elations. I don't know how healthy it is to magnify these emotions on the billboard that is a blog page. Some discretion might be in order, and yet, it's a window to someone's soul, albeit rose-colored, and not quite clean, and perhaps not even that accurate. I don't mind. I used to say that while people liked vacationing by going to new places and seeing new sights, I like vacationing by talking to new people, seeing how they view the world, and yet, if they're too shy to say anything, a blog might serve as an outlet.

Alas, so many blogs aren't even close to that. I liken it to late teens who train a webcam on themselves, exposing themselves as a form of "self-expression". High school and college kids can have this kind of indiscretion because they're single, adventuresome, and let's face it, stupid. Just as alcoholism gives some the excuse to behave badly, youth does the same, but therein lies the fun of it all.

When you get older, there are so many things you hide because of shame or because you're afraid you'll hurt someone. You can't be honest because if you're full of venom for someone, and post it up, plenty of people will read it. So it stays private, and no one knows. As it is, I find myself restrained to not write about certain things, even if I write more than perhaps I should. But for those who are fearless (ie, stupid), it's great.

We go through life trying to solve the mystery of other people, often reduced to wanting and desiring others. Our intelligence tries to cope with it the best we can. Somehow, no one ever seems to curse their biology for telling them what a waste of time it is to pursue others. We set standards too high, we want what we can't have, so why not do something that we can control like play sports, do math, write blogs. Instead, a great deal of time is spent trying to understand others.

But as long as our biology compels us in that way, I'm ready to read blogs by those trying to come to answers, in as imperfect a way as they may have. The profound questions of "Why are we here? What is the purpose of life?" may yield to "Why can't person X like me?". It may be a shallow question, but the pursuit of those answers are as fundamental to who we are as any pursuit out there.