Pits of the Earth

Lament. Mr. Tony is out on vacation---again. I need a job like his. I couldn't do it half as well as Mr. Tony who displays a vast knowledge of music, current events, and oh yeah, sports. Is he the most gifted analyst ever? No. A sports entertainer/commnetator like Tony just needs to be pretty good, and offer insight into the human drama that surrounds sports.

As he's out on vacation, they're back to playing "best of". Now imagine that. Can you think of another sports show that could even have a "best of" show? Could Mike and Mike? When people complain that Kornheiser is no longer a reporter, and is now an entertainer, they're right, but he knows that's what many people want, and why they listen to him.

To be fair, on Monday, he was out playing something called the NERDS tournament. I suspect it's an acronym for something. This is a golf tournament started up by fans of the show who organized the whole thing. Tony's favorite moment from that was to be surrounded by not one, but two, umbrella men (or, in this case, a man and a woman).

Tony's always been jealous of Michael Jackson, who has an umbrella man to keep the sun off his exceedingly pale face. Tony wanted an umbrella man too, and this tournament gave him two of what he wanted. Apparently, the woman who was carrying his umbrella, as they strolled through the golf course said, "I'm schvitzing like an airedale" (breed of large wiry-coated terrier bred in Yorkshire), which Tony lamented one day when he was sent to a golf tournament where temperatures were climbing to 90 degrees.

But occasionally, some of this best of stuff is hilarious. Often, the best interactions come with John "Junior" Feinstein. Now, those familiar with Judaism and Jewish customs (both Feinstein and Kornheiser being Jewish) know that "junior" is not heard of. Children are named after dead relatives, not after living ones. This is to prevent confusion and disrespect. If someone is yelling at a little kid, the older uncle doesn't get miffed that they're talking about him.

No, the reason Feinstein is called Junior has to do with John McEnroe, or more properly, John McEnroe, Jr. Junior is the tennis player. Senior is a lawyer from Long Island or some such, who frequently attended his son's tourneys with wife, Kay. Junior also had a temper, and would flare up on many an occasion. He was (in)famous for his "pits of the earth" comment.

For some reason, Kornheiser likes to equate Feinstein with "Junior". He's become a character on the show, a guy who's arrogant, smart, and likes to eat pizzas. Stories about Feinstein often involve him taking perks, such as sitting at Wizards seats reserved for Post reporters, and eating boxes of pizza by himself, and even writing a children's mystery story where Kornheiser comes out as a blustering reporter who yells at bellboys and the like, which Tony vehemently denies, and in fact, he wanted to (in the spirit of his on-air persona) ban Junior.

In today's "best of", Junior is on air, and they sound like they're going to talk about soccer in Turkey, which Tony believes is in Asia Minor. Since Junior is supposed to know a fair bit about the sport, Tony wants him to break it down. However, it quickly devolves into a discussion about Brian Billick, coach of the Baltimore Ravens.

Junior accuses Tony of disliking Billick. Tony claims that Billick is arrogant, and considers himself the smartest person in the room. In fact, there was a quote where Billick says he's going to tell the media about the Ravens offsensive schemes so they can talk more about football. He's not concerned that opponents will discover the schemes because the reporters will find eight different ways to describe the schemes, and confuse everyone. Feinstein finds that funny, though Tony not so much.

Both Tony and Junior agree that they, like Billick, think they're smart and arrogant (referring to themselves, not Billick, though also referring to Billick as well).

Junior then starts comparing the relative openness of Billick with the entirely secretive Joe Gibbs, who coaches (again) the Washington Redskins. Junior taunts Tony telling him Gibbs is his "boy", and says that Gibbs did a one hour infomercial, when he came onto the show in March or so.

Then, they talk about Rachel Nichols (formerly Rachel Alexander), who used to report at the French Open, and was a frequent guest of Tony's. She had been on a day earlier, and Tony wanted to ask about her wardrobe, partly because she now has a TV gig, and has to have clothing for the viewing audience. Some fans protested, claiming that Tony never asks Feinstein about his wardrobe, but Tony said he did, and
proceeded to ask Junior how many pairs of shoes he owns.

One.

One? That's it?

One. And it's because of Mike Nolan.

Mike Nolan was the assistant coach of the Ravens, which is how Junior knows him. Junior had been covering the Ravens. Nolan's wife noticed his hole worn shoes, and bought him a new pair for Christmas. Junior goes on to say that he also owns one pair of sneakers.

Tony is incredulous. How can he own one pair of shoes? What if it gets holes in them, he exclaims? But they're new, courtesy of Nolan's wife, Feinstein rebuts.

Somehow, the discussion then goes to why Feinstein doesn't golf anymore. It's because he's injured, he says, and he likes swimming more than he likes golf, and it takes less time to swim. This, despite being an 8 handicap, where Tony is maybe 15 (larger numbers meaning worse player).

Finally, Feinstein asks if Tony plans to watch Take Me Out, a play about how pro baseball reacts when a star player turns out to be gay. At the time, Tony hadn't seen it and neither had Junior, and said while it had good reviews, he didn't feel comfortable going because it had its fair share of male nudity. Junior suggests they both go together, and pretend to be a gay couple.

Then, Tony suggests they invite Brian Billick, and Junior exclaims "He'd go! Let's all go!". Andy pipes up and says "You could all get together and have a smart-off!".
This is hilarious.

Finally, they read some email. One reader corrects Tony and says that Turkey (recall the discussion that Feinstein was supposed to talk about, involving soccer in Turkey) is part of the European Union, and therefore is in Europe. Another reader says it's at the border of Europe and Asia. And Tony reiterates "I said Asia Minor".

To which, one of his sidekicks (Andy or Gary) says "I thought Asia Minor was a constellation", and the other says "I thought Asia Minor was a stripper at Camelot".

(It's Ursa Minor that's the constellation. Camelot is a strip club in DC).

And that's why I listen to Tony.