Smile

I realize that I should write more humorous entries in my blog. Funny is good. Funny sells. I just need to tell something funny. However, most people lack a talent for being funny. In order to be funny, you have to try to be funny, and then you need some idea of what works for the audience you're trying to be funny to, and then you have to be able to think on your feet. That's the hardest part of being funny. You can, for example, be a hilarious writer, because you have the time to think about your humor, but not be funny in person, because you don't think quick enough to say something funny.

Obviously, I've blown my chance to be funny with you. You see, if I knew you better, I might be able to rely on easy standbys for easy laughs. I could say, for instance, Gojira! in a bad Japanese accent. Gojira, for those that are Japanese-imparied, is the Japanese word for Godzilla, and let's face it, Godzilla is hilarious. He goes around, stomps Tokyo flat, breathes fire. I mean, c'mon, what's not to laugh about Godzilla? It would be better, I admit, if Godzilla could speak, and utter phrases lie Banzai! and Kamikaze and Miso Horny, but Godzilla's the quite, stoic type. He's not down with no Japanese speaking s**t.

But since you aren't amused by references to Godzilla, I have to actually think of things that are funny.

This reminds me. Last election, there was a referendum on gay marriage, which was up in several states, which primarily said "you agree that gay marriage, which is illegal in this state, is still illegal". Conservative non-voters were told in a fire and brimstone way that a non-vote against gay marriage, was a vote for gay marriage. This reminds me of a joke. If your parents didn't have children, it's likely you won't either.

Seriously though. Conservatives were up in arms about getting the vote out. Say no to gay marriage, because it's going to cause the downfall of the institute of marriage. After all, such stalwarts of heterosexual marriage, such as Henry the Eighth, who was head of the Church of England, merely had six wives: Catherine of Aragorn, Anne Boleyn, Jane Seymour, Anne of Cleves, Catherine Howard, and Catherine Parr. He had two of the wives executed. Now, here was a man who heard "til death do us part" and thought "loophole!" and then probably thought that he could hang them with a loophole. Well, you know, Mr. Henry was certainly a man who believed in the sanctity of marriage.

OK, so conservatives were upset about gay marriage, but in the pantheon of things that are affronts to Christianity, you'd think there would be a bigger problem, one that should create scads of opposition and outcry. Judaism. You see, fundamental to being a Christian, as I understand it, is to believe that Christ is indeed God, and also the Messiah, ie, the Messenger of God (though being God, anyway, it gets somewhat confusing there).

Jews, as I understand it, don't believe in this concept, which is what makes them Jews instead of Christians (except Jews for Jesus, who somehow call themselves Jews, even though they appear to be, technically, Christians..it sounds like Democrats for Republicans...you think they'd just call themselves Republicans. I'm sure it was one of those voter registration, butterfly ballot issue, where they misclassified themselves, but I digress). Yet, most Christians seem to let that one pass. Gay marriage is destroying the sanctity of marriage, but those of you who don't believe that Christ is God, that's OK, we're fine with that. We'll deal.

Now I'd love to say that I thought of this myself, but nearly every comedy bit is stolen, and I stole that, except that in the original incarnation, it wasn't funny. Mine was funny. See, even now, you're are smirking. You smirk because you care. You're a generous soul who cares, and finds Godzilla and gay marriage and lesbian biker chicks funny. I know, I know, you love to wear women's silk undies because dammit silk just feels so good as it slides against the boys. I mean, you feel like Mr. F. Winston Churchill himself, who, yes, also insisted on silk next to his crown jewels.

Humor's a difficult subject because it relies on absurdity and non-sequitirs. Drama transcends languages. Humor does not. Let me tell you a joke that I'm told is hilarious in Chinese. A monkey takes a guy's banana, and runs up a tree, and eats it. Bwahahahah! I mean, come on. That's hilarious! TAKES BANANA. UP TREE. EATS! Please, I can barely breathe. That silly monkey! Won't he ever learn?

Either you found that monkey joke funny, or you did not. But if you did not, then a billion Chinese did, and I'm sorry, they outvote you. But, if you can convince a billion Indians that it was not funny, then, of course, you even up the odds. But if you even the odds, then, well, that would make them even, right? I mean, what did you do to the odds? Double them? Add one to them.

One...two....three.... OK, now that you get my "even the odds" joke, I have to tell you, most comedians don't do jokes. They make anecdotal humor. They tell stories. They provide observations. These observations are humorous. And it's all about spin control. Whether a story is funny or not is how you tell it. The Aristocrats, for example, is not a funny joke. But, you add Godzilla to it. Now that's funny. He's stomping arond, He's blowing fire. He's yelling "Banzai". Now that's a great act, what do you call it?

The Aristocats.

No, wait, dammit, the Arisocrats.

(Breathes fire, takes a bow, exit stage left).