Razor's Edge

Perhaps, in some enlightened society, the nerds and geeks will inherit the earth, but more importantly, they will be seen as the coveted. Rock stars, for example, lie in this exalted realm. One only has to realize that Steven Tyler has procreated to realize that anyone, I mean anyone, can get laid if they are a rock star.

I've had a discussion with J. who suggests the reason that some people are unable to woo those they want is because they lack edge. Niceness, while overall a good thing, won't get you what you want. But what is this quality known as edge. It's that quality that makes you less likable in order to make you more likable. In a word, asshole. Well, that's not quite it.

But the formula is more complex. For example, J. has a friend who I think is fairly good looking for a guy, yet, he's quiet. Even so, he's ready to get married. Does this guy have edge? Ah, so there's another factor that's important. How good looking are you? I mean, Ashton Kutcher exudes dorkness, but he's just good looking enough that Demi Moore wants to rock his world. Of course, Kutcher may simply be a rock star, but then, so is Demi.

There's another part of the formula that we're missing, and it's so obvious, yet frequently overlooked. The other person. You see, in trying to meet that special someone, people work on themselves. How can you make yourself more attractive to those you wish to attract?

There's two parts to that question. Being more attractive, which is something you have limited control over. And "those you wish to attract". If you're sufficiently attractive, which doesn't have to be excessively so, there may be people who are attracted to you. And yet, a few of those get dismissed right away, under the theory that "if you're not sexually attracted to person X, don't bother" and not sexually attracted could simply mean "repulsed". Yes, they may be fine, fine individuals who you wouldn't have the heart to say "I would rather lick the back of a great horny toad to give me directions out of an enchanted forest, then stick any appendage, and this includes disposed fingernail clippings, into any orifice you may provide".

I asked someone who's been seeking female companionship whether he knew of any women that wanted him, but whose feelings he was unable to reciprocate. He said, of course, but they were insufferably boring. OK, he didn't use the word "insufferable", but I want to stretch my vocabulary prowess. Even so, there was a potential source of poon tang that he was ultimately rejecting (no, poon tang is not a Thai-flavored artificially sweetened beverage. On the other hand....oh, nevermind).

The point is that, like many things in life, there are things we like and dislike. As much as people complain "Why can't I meet anyone?", they are implicitly saying "Why can't I meet anyone that's absolutely stupedous?". I have a female friend who would make this exact lament to me. I had to point out that she had "dated" two dozen or more men (usually, one date), and that out of the plenty, there were perhaps two or three that would have bedded her were she interested, and of course, she wasn't interested. Implicity in her lament was that she had to minimally, you know, like the person.

Now you may say "Well, duh", but it's a serious point I make. When you eat food, do you eat what's the best tasting food around? Are there not times you will feast on bread and cereal because you're too lazy to make or buy anything better? Of course, unlike love, doing without food will generally kill you, and since food isn't exactly free, at least not without stealing, you will often, often eat whatever, just to suit you. On the other hand, you can afford to do without companionship. It may be painful, but it can be done, for long periods of time.

There's something interesting that I've observed. It's not a deep observation, since most everyone knows this too. People don't want to sleep with their friends. If you do that, then there's the possibility that the ironic act of getting closer emotionally to someone is also likely to wedge you apart, when differences become too much to bear. The real reason people need this distinction between friends and lovers is not so much what happens if friendship gets more serious, but in fact, quite the opposite, when the friendship is the best that one side will allow.

Common scenario. Friend X likes Friend Y. I mean, really likes, but Friend Y doesn't know this. They think "we're just friends". But Friend X can't help the feelings, and so everytime X is near Y, X imagines what it would be like, just once, for there to be more. Y is blissfully unaware. One day, perhaps X lays the smack (verbally, that is) and admits there's more than platonic feelings, and Y gets all freaked out.

If X had merely said "I don't sleep with my friends", then X would be spared such feelings. We're constantly trying to fool ourselves emotionally, to tell ourselves we're not interested, and so forth. We set up rules of protocol such as "tell me if you're attached and happen to be at this party alone, because despite the appearance that I am trying to enjoy myself at this party, I am in predatory mode, seeking bodily euphoria, and if you're off limits, I shall move to another watering hole". Now, tell me, you have to love these metaphors for what amounts to wanting sex.

Anyway, why are there those that have success meeting others, while those that do not? Is it edge? Is it confidence? Is it some mojo quality, some indefinable quantity we can't quite put our finger on? Even if you were told, son, be a little more edgy, that would get you the people you want, would it really?

We spend a lot of time playing this game. Despite generations and generations of people who have come up with solutions that seem reasonable (arranged marriages), we reject advice from those who have gone before us. We claim the rules don't apply to us, then struggle to re-learn what's already been learn. Some anthropologist watching from a distance would wonder why we spend so much effort to do this? Can't we take a pill or do some twelve-step plan that will solve our problems?

In the meanwhile, go practice a few power chords. It's done wonders for Steven Tyler.