Pomp and Circumstance

I went to a wedding on Saturday. I was prepared to know almost nobody there except the groom, and the person I was supposed to take along, a fellow colleague during my teaching days. She calls an hour before I'm supposed to pick her up saying she doesn't think she can make it. I had spent around $100 getting ready for weddings.

I tell you, I hate getting ready for weddings. I need my suit, shirt, tie, in order. However, typically, once the wedding is over, I throw the suit, shirt, tie in some corner, unforgotten, until the next one rolls along. Needless to say, it gets wrinkled and/or lost. Worse still, when I bought my last suit, I had just lost 30 pounds, of which I've regained about 20 of it back, due to eating, and lack of activity at work. An enlightened employee should really have exercise stuff at work, to break up the inactivity.

Religion, for many people, seeks to be part of a person's everyday life. If a demonination could, they'd ask its members to come every day. In effect, that's what happens in Islam, where the faithful must pray five times a day. They are constantly reminded of the importance of religion in their lives. There are those for whom religion is a once a week thing. Sure, they believe in its tenets the rest of the week, but they're made that much more aware of religion once a week.

For the more secular, who've possibly strayed from the church, there's still something important about having a wedding in a church. Given the importance of a wedding, ie., a commitment of a man and woman (or these days, between two consenting adults), it's not surprising that a church would want to make this one of the centerpieces of the religion. Even in places where Christianity or any Judeo-Christian-Islam is not practice, weddings often have a strong tie to religion. When communism sought to break the stranglehold of religion, they had to find ways of making marriage less religious.

These days, a couple seeking marriage through a church has to go through consultation. Part of this, I'm sure, is the result of the high divorce rate in the United States. Many couples go through the motions needed to keep the religious figure performing the marriage happy. It's an odd sort of agreement. On the one hand, I have to believe the religious figure is not so simple-minded as to believe that the couple will take religion and religious dictates all that seriously, and yet, they're not prepared to push the secular away from religion by saying they are not "good enough" to be married.

Sure, there are those that are plenty faithful, to which this consultation has meaning, and perhaps even those who are not religious may find that the process has them thinking about religion.

Personally, I want to be invited to a wedding that is based out of Star Trek or Star Wars, where people where Klingon finery, and some Klingon cleric can give vows in Klingon. I understand that it would be completely silly, but I'm not sure it's that far removed from what happens in a traditional wedding. People want the traditional weddings because they're full of ceremony. It gives the wedding some kind of formality. This is even true of those who don't want too religious of a wedding.

Interestingly enough, I was at a wedding last year, which was a Jewish wedding (though only one of them was Jewish, and the ceremony was held at a restaurant, closed down for the wedding). Jewish weddings tend to be more fun. There's dancing, but more of a group dancing, rather than the male/female dancing. This involves running in circles. moving in and out of circles, and carrying the bride, groom, and parents of the bride and groom, in a chair held by several strong people. In general, there's quite a bit of festivity, and because the dances have no romantic overtones, they're far more exciting for all, even little kids.

This wedding was held in an Episcopal church. I know very little about the Episcopal church. It was an offshoot of Catholicism. One of the Henry's, I believe, wanted an annulment of his marriage (the one with six wives), and the Pope didn't want to give it to him, so he broke off from the Catholic Church, created the Church of England, and made himself head of that church. Other than the Pope (which is a big deal, I suppose), the Episcopals are generally pretty close to Catholics, following many of the ceremonies. I suspect, however, there's no Latin used, although the Catholic Church has apparently not had Latin services in a while either, because many people found it difficult to learn and follow.

Since the bride's family generally arranges the marriage, I assume that the choice of church was her family's. Many of the members in attendance seem to be religious, at least, half by a rough count.

The ceremony felt fairly lengthy. Most weddings in the US are quick. The entire ceremony lasts about an hour. In India, on the other hand, and some other Asian countries, celebrations can last days, with bits of ceremony throughout.

The most interesting ceremony I went to was a hybrid ceremony that was part Vietnamese and part American (he was Catholic, but the ceremony didn't seem overly Catholic). I went to the engagement ceremony. In this ceremony, the groom to be brings between 3 and 5 male friends. These can be siblings or friends or close relatives. They bring gifts to the house of the bride to be. There are two of every gift.

Once we reach the house, several males from her family receive the gifts, and we are admitted in the house. Typically, the groom-to-be's father then asks the bride-to-be's father for the daughter's hand in marriage. This is done in a tea ceremony of sorts. There's a time factor too. For good luck, the entire engagement ceremony must be completed by noon. Fortunately, it only takes about half an hour to run. At that point, the bride-to-be's family serves food, and then once that is complete, the bride-to-be's family returns half the gifts (the reason to have two of every gift---very Noah's Ark).

Apparently, there was a similar ceremony for the wedding itself, though by that point, the groom could invite closer friends who could not make an engagement ceremony.

This wedding was more religious than previous weddings that I had attended. In particular, there were hymns, prayers, all culminating in bread and "wine" being given to baptized individuals, which is referred to as communion or the Eucharist, and involves giving bread, which represents the body of Jesus, and wine (which is usually grape juice, I believe) which represents his blood.

There's also a cuteness factor, as the flower girl and some youthful kid comes along just ahead of the bridesmaids. There were four bridesmaids, and I believe eight groomsman. The bridesmaids were dressed in red, the groomsman had red vests.
The bride is often dressed up quite a bit for the wedding making her nigh well unrecognizable. Usually glasses are removed, lipstick applied liberally, and hair worn up.

Given that the wedding was practically a religious ceremony, I'd like to see one that is more removed from such a ceremony. I attended one where friends of the bride and groom related stories about the bride and groom, and where a friend sang Ave Maria, which was actually, rather moving. If I recall, the religious overtones, while not missing, were at least, mild. Were I involved in a wedding, I'd like to do something far less ceremonial, and a little more fun.

The reception was held immediately after the service, within the church. This being a Christian church, that meant no alcohol. Instead, there were smoothies (rather tasty), a fountain of chocolate, for fondues, and a serve-yourself food. This seems to be common. The Jewish wedding I went to last year also did this, though nearly every other wedding I've been to has had a sitdown dinner. Sitdown dinners have one additional logistical hurdle that a serve-yourself lunch does not. Seating people.
The couple must decide who should sit with whom, although, if memory serves, I just sat somewhere for the Jewish wedding I attended.

I found that I knew pretty much no one except the groom. As anyone who's attended a wedding knows, the wedding is not really for the bride and groom, it's for their guests. Thus, the happy couple must spend a few minutes talking to everyone, much in the same way, the Queen talks to her subjects. They can spend only a few minutes talking to everyone, often people they barely know, but occasionally, to people they know well.

I talked to one other person the whole time, other than the bride and groom, for more than a minute. I talked a little to the bride's brother, who sang and played a song, and seemed moderately swishy, if you get my drift. He mistook me for someone else, and so we didn't talk much after that. After two or so hours of not mingling around, I had my cake and left. That was probably good for another reason. There was so many snack foods, I would have blimped up like Jabba.

As it was, I was nibbling on fruit, salmon on tiny pieces of bread, some spinach cream dip, smoothies, coffees, etc. Even though it wasn't a proper meal, there was enough food to be had. A jazz band played some tunes in the meanwhile.

One of the better ideas for a wedding was one I attended late last summer. The bride's parents hosted a dinner at a favorite Pennsylvania Dutch restaurant, which basically meant German-American food. Apparently, the German is so different that Reiner, a roommate of DaveHo, the guy having the wedding, found it quaint. It probably bore as much to German as American English does to say Scottish English. The dinner is focused around food, and as long as there are people you know nearby, it's not an unpleasant experience. This is were invitations have to be managed carefully. I've been to one other wedding where I knew very few people, but happen to get along well with one other guy who also came by himself.

Anyway, once I decided that there wasn't enough people to really talk to, and had my fill of food, I decided to exit.
So I briefly talked to bride and groom, and headed out.

After leaving, I went to meet up with my housemate who was shopping at a Trader Joe's. On the way there, I listened to NPR, about the Aristocrats. Apparently, this is one of the most offensive jokes told, and every comedian has their version. The brainchild of Penn Gillette (who is a magician with Teller) and someone else, it involves asking various comedians to tell this joke, and to comment on it as well. Penn says that one of the more surprising renditions of the joke comes from Bob Saget.

Saget was a star in Full House, as well as TV's Funniest Home Videos. He's seen as a squeaky clean guy. However, much like Redd Foxx in Sanford and Son, Saget is apparently one of the dirtiest comedians around, just that few people know it, and apparently it's shocking to those who know only his clean-cut image.

Anyway, back to the ceremony. The closest ceremony I know that resembles a wedding ceremony is a graduation ceremony. There are outfits. There are speeches. There is music. There are religious figures. For momentous occasions, people want ceremony. It makes it feel more important. I don't necessarily disagree with it, but for weddings, I find that overly religious ceremonies simply alienate those that are not part of the church, or are not religious at all. I understand that people want this, but they should realize how some feel.

At the very least, once the wedding is concluded, the new couple, can now relax. All the work to put on a show that pleases everyone is now done, and they can relax on their honeymoon.