Funny Games

We spend most of our lives interacting with people. Excluding a few people who imagine themselves to be Thoreau, who famously left society to live in the woods by Walden, and then wrote about it, most people interact, some more successfully than others.

We can think of this interaction as a matter of what we, as humans, do. If we're being friendly, it's to be friendly.

Or, we can take this as more cynical, that relationships are some kind of game. The rules of the game, if there is any, is to convince people we want to like us to like us. At the very extreme is trying to convince someone to like you enough to date you, or possibly more.

There are those, who see from a distance, the jock or perhaps a leading thespian or student council president who seems to woo women and lament that life is not fair. These people aren't any nicer. Heck, they may even be asses. Why do women fall for these guys? If they only knew better.

Wouldn't it be nice if these women could be convinced by some kind of reasonably show of skill. Say, music.

So it's interesting to point out two songs that cover roughly the same territory, although one is far more obvious about it than the other. Jonathan Coulton's Soft Rocked By Me and Mike Birbiglia's Guitar Guy at the Party both convey the use of music to try to convince women to sleep with the singer.

In both cases, music is seen as a slimy way for a guy to be convincing to women, a pretense at sensitivity, when there's an ulterior motive.

In both cases, Coulton and Birbiglia seem to indicate that this is a bad thing. Coulton, in particular, say he's disgusted with this effort, because the guy is creepy. And yet, does this not describe what some folks try to do. Where's the line between creepy and pathetic and perfectly fine? How many people might say, we get along fine and all, but if I don't have sex, then I'm outta here.

There is an important theme in Coulton's songs, which is the geek that desires a relationship, but is somewhat incapable of obtaining it easily. Code Monkey is basically about a computer geek who's a simple man with simple desires, but is unable to effectively communicate with the woman he wants to go out with. Skullcrusher Mountain also has a similar theme, with the geek being replaced by a megalomaniac.

How many people treat relationships as a kind of game where they say and do certain things to achieve a certain effect, even if it's counterintuitive.

For example, there are some who suggest that men, when trying to go after women, should not be very nice. To be too nice is to be too needy, which usually signals a lack of desirability or weakness. Thus, one should be occasionally, well, maybe not mean, but certainly not placating.

This strategy was apparently applied to Guy Kawasaki who used to work for Steve Jobs. Jobs would praise him, but then also tear him down. His need to please Jobs came from this bit of manipulation. Coaches are well known for playing mind games to achieve their goals, trying all sorts of tactics to encourage players to play to their potential.

Is this a reasonable way to act around people, to alternately be nice and mean to them? I think people want to believe relationships are honest, that such deception to achieve a goal is not necessary, that such behavior should not be condoned, and yet, I suspect people who employ this strategy and see it work would argue the proof is in the pudding. They did it, and they get results.

Now, I've written this mostly from males seeking females. Women, alas, tend to have it harder because men assume they have to do the work of getting women to like them, i.e., they have to make the first move. It gives a sense of purpose and initiative, but many guys are cowardly making that move.

Why don't women make the move? Well, some women do indeed make the move, but it seems like far fewer women do this than men. Is this culture or is there something inherent in men that make them make the move.

We're a product of our desires and our general inability to get what we desire most of the time. Most of us lack the kind of emotional restraint to be Buddhists, to minimize our desires to the point where they are unnecessary. It's such a foreign concept that many dismiss it out of hand.

So while we desire, we suffer, and some of us decide that the way to success is learning to play a game based on alleged rules of human nature.