To Have and Have Not

There are people who, for one reason or another, who don't drink. Some avoid it for religious reasons. Some avoid it because they're allergic to alcohol (many Asians lack tolerance for processing alcohol). Some have seen the effects of alcoholism on their family and don't want the same thing to happen to them. Some just avoid it because they think it's bad to drink alcohol, even if there's no religious or other reasons.

When you've avoided something, like alcohol, then your perceived notions of what a person who drinks alcohol thinks or behaves or how they perceive those who don't drink. For example, there's a sense that drinking any alcohol, no matter how little, can cause a person to act irrationally. That varies from person to person. I knew one guy who would be rather rude when he had alcohol. He'd make fun of his girlfriend. But when he was sober, he was as nice as he could be.

Other people are simply quiet or passive or loud or whatever. Alcohol doesn't necessarily cause people to act a certain way. The most pronounced behavioral change is the ability to concentrate, and then eventually to walk, then possibly even speak. At a certain point, with too much alcohol, a person can't even easily focus his eyes, and his gaze becomes distant.

Alcohol isn't the only thing that people can't relate to. There's also sex. The percentages of people who've had sex in high school is fairly high, and is even higher as you head into college. There can be cultural pressures. I was riding in the Metro shortly after watching a movie. These three black teens got aboard, and one guy was bragging. He said "I banged a girl, and you didn't". His friend was a bit doubtful. The other guy said "I swear to God, I did. All I know is I banged a girl, and you didn't".

The other guy wasn't denying this at all, but he felt he needed a retort. He said he had heard from a friend that this girl he slept with had AIDS. The other kid didn't seem concerned. He probably didn't believe it. I sat near two women, and they didn't seem all that pleased with this commentary, which basically amounted to the need to have sex to be a "man", regardless of who the woman was. Did he love her? Did he care for her? Didn't sound like it. All that mattered was this rite of male passage.

For those who haven't done it, it's easy to convince oneself that no one that young does it. After all, it's typical for people who haven't had sex to hang out with others in the same boat, or for the topic not to come up. The perceptions can be whack. There's a supposition that maybe folks have sex all the time, that if you see someone dating, well, surely sex must be behind it all (this turns out to be especially true if sex is important in your worldview). Those who haven't had it think people have it all the time. Those who have it all the time think the same of anyone else in a relationship (why else would they be in a relationship if they weren't?).

But we can pick more uncommon behavior. For example, there are those who have avoided illegal drug use, because it's illegal. They tend to equate any illegal drug with any other. They think marijuana and cocaine have the same danger, at least, if they've kept relatively ignorant of drug use. If you know some drug facts, non drug-users think you've tried it out. (I once asked someone if he had tried marijuana, and he didn't want to answer. If he said yes, I'd perceive him as some doped-up guy. If he said no, he'd be this weenie puritan. Either way, he thought, it would make him look bad). Alcohol can have effects that are at least as bad as marijuana, but advertisers don't press that point nearly as much as they do with marijuana. There's even a case to be made that marijuana was made illegal so that they could arrest more African Americans.

There's a society called NAMBLA, which has something to do with man-boy relationships, typically a much older guy with a much younger one (say, 40 and 17). This is seen as something bad, bordering on pedophilia. I have no idea whether this is good or not, but given that families have kicked out teens for being gay, finding someone that's supportive, regardless of reason, may make the relationship work, instead of the freak show that many people perceive it to be.

We can find all sorts of behavior that people perceive in a simplistic way because they refuse to learn anything more about it. People who are religious. People who believe in open marriages. Nudists. People who play video games a lot. People into anime. (Those two groups tend to be the same. This reminds me, one time, I saw these three guys, and they simply looked so geeky, I had to ask--do you guys watch anime? Boy, did they ever! A stereotype, but they fit).

Many people draw conclusions but often because they lack the sympathy to understand why people perceive the world in the way they do. Parents fret over myspace.com, but don't understand what it's all about (of course, I can't either).

There's this need for us not to stereotype, but we end up doing it anyway. It's hard to avoid. We do it because it simplifies life. These stereotypes may not be all bad. Germans are considered efficient and orderly. Asians are considered students (actually, even the seemingly positive, model minority, has drawn criticism, as some Asians have not fared that well in school, and it forces people to compare Asians to, say, whites, African Americans, Latinos, etc. and say "why can't you be more like them?").

Let me briefly talk about a kind of reverse discrimination. Michael Wilbon has written columns about white flight. In basketball, good white American basketball players are often discouraged from playing because there are so many good African American players. I should point out that it's American players, because Europeans seem to do fine cultivating white European players.

J.J. Redick and Adam Morrison were being interviewed by John Thompson. Morrison said that people had considered some kind of hope (he seemed embarassed by that comment), and Thompson wanted to press it just a little bit, and asked him a hope for what? Of course, he knew they meant the next great white hope, the next Larry Bird. Comparisons had already been drawn between Morrison and Bird. Of course, there are good white players. Steve Nash, a Canadian, is up for MVP honors. Nowitzki is good. But there's the complaint. Neither are good defenders. (There's a joke with that, where reporters wanted to call them the "Allas Mavericks" because they have no "D", i.e., defense).

We're surrounded by many people we don't care for, and often it's because we just don't grasp their worldview, and imagine one for them (essentially, decide they are bad people).

It's tough not to do this, alas.