Time Travel

I haven't spoken to Mike in almost twenty years. A few weeks ago, I saw that he was on Facebook, and we were able to talk to another.

Although I haven't spoken to Mike in this time, he still sounds as I remember him, from his deliberate way of speaking, to the way he sighs. It's interesting, because his life has headed down (somewhat) more conventional ways. He's gotten married, has kids, and so once that happens, you make decisions with other people in your life.

But even as, I suspect, he feels he's different from the person he was all those years ago, he sounds the same. And that makes me wonder if I sound the same. I'd say the biggest external change someone would notice talking to me is that I'm chattier than I used to be, although I find I still digress and talk about random crap like I used to in college.

Would someone who knew me well say the same thing? That I haven't changed much, at least, externally, the way I sound, the way I talk? Is that still the same after all this time? I can't say for sure.

I suppose we're all different as the years go by, and perhaps that would become more obvious as one spends time.

Even a two hour call only gets at the surface of what's going on. The thing that's interesting is that it is a form of time travel. You think back and wonder if you could have made different decisions, better decisions. Over time, you sometimes wish you had a life advisor (and to some extent, you do, namely your parents) so you could be your best self.

I remember that line from Before Sunset. Jesse is saying that he got married because he imagined his "best self". He wanted life to go a certain way, and pursued it, though he wasn't particularly happy, because they was one special night, that he had hoped to revive, and when he headed back some six months later, she wasn't there, and he tried to move on.

To some extent, if I had something to blame, it was my lack of focus. I've said it before. Focus is almost abnormal. Most people just get on with life, never quite accomplishing the stuff they wanted. Only a few do the things they had hoped for, and can look back and say they really enjoy the stuff they do. I can't say that right now. I only have a vague idea of what would make that possible.

I could hear a wisp of regret talking to Mike, realizing he made decisions because he wanted to, but that for the things he gained, he also gave up things too. I suppose that happens with us all, and only a few feel what they gained was far in excess of what they had to give up.